I have been having a lot on my mind lately… therefore it has not been easy to decide what to devote my post to, choosing one idea over another. Although my personal blog is not called “fitness and clean eating” or “running girls” or “healthy moms” I am clearly devoting a lot of my time and effort to fitness and dieting in my personal blog. If I carry on this way I might re-name my blog eventually:)
Meanwhile, it IS a personal blog and the main reason for its existence is to satisfy my desire to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions, composed into sentences. Most of my posts are personal whether they are about sport or spiritual struggle, dilemmas or fun stuff. I have written much more posts than published … some of them I found too personal and hurried up to press “delete”. Today I want to share something which is on my mind, one of those A LOT 🙂 [if I don’t hit delete again though] Let’s hope I will make enough sense for you to follow me.
I had a fitness break for a week now. However the 16th of March is VERY close! I am having an 8km obstacle run in the bush very very very soon and I have taken a week off training; any training running or weights lifting. I have done so because I hit the bottom … again. This is the time when I am SO tired mentally and physically I just drop things and stay back for a while, trying to hide in the shade. The less attention the better… However I continued with my 100 crunches a day challenge, I must say 🙂
I would wake up every morning hurrying up to work [listening to TED as always] still working my weak abs out 🙂 I had to stop all my morning routines, place my body on the floor and crunch, crunch, crunch 🙂 Funny enough although I live with my partner and his brother and I have been doing crunches for couple of weeks, none of them noticed me going down on my back and breath heavily every day [giggling] which I am glad about (because none of them like fitness). Funny [in my opinion] remark! Now after a week of lazy delux time I am back in the gym [and hopefully running … on Friday as scheduled], repeating long ago forgotten Jamie Eason’s work out plan I find REALLY easy, handy and useful 🙂 Phase 1 is ON! This is war man this is war! [giggling] Iam not sure if I mentioned before but I wanted to devote some time to OR and run for a year or so and than give it up and carry on with weights training… Well, I could not wait and placing obstacle running [although I have not done a single one yet] om the second shelf while focusing on bodybuilding again. Sorry guys, nothing personal. I am still going to run couple of races of course as planned however might give a miss to couple of others.
Now, the sharing moment… That’s right! In fact, I have not done any sharing for a while now; and now I want to say that I have been struggling with not fitting in. Who has ever know me well, knows I have always been saying I prefer to stay out of any group and not be categorized. What I mean by it is that I do not want to join religious community or a sport team or belong to this or that followers organisation or stamp whatever collectors, if you know what I mean. However not fitting in the common [not so common clearly] every day living “groups” is a little … anxious.
In a situation when someone is in struggle to fit within something I usually say “be proud of being different”; however obviously I have been struggling with my own Different. Shall I be proud?
Now I still do not want to belong to a group, in a sense. BUT I am obviously not doing very well at being different. If only they had a manual of how to be different … successfully 🙂 [giggling]
I must say although I have been under some (self-) pressure recently I still think it is Awesome to be Different but it is a bloody hard work sometimes! First I must admit no two people are the same and we ALL are very different BUT my struggle happened to be in the cozy room with several happy couples chatting away about school times, future up-coming wedding, friends past and future … I happened to have my school stories, friends and plans back in Russia. I do not have any common with any one past in Australia or within this [or any really] social group. Although while I have been listening to boring stories about weddings [I apologize if my not supporting weddings attitude offends anyone, I do not mean it], old friends I have never met, relatives I have never been related to etc etc etc I was talking to myself trying to evaluate my feelings. Well, my evaluation got me really drunk … literally! I felt SO disconnected <at the same time not being able to leave the discomfort zone> [because it was far from home – no where to leave] I decided to poison myself with alcohol. Now, let’s place judging me mode away for a moment 😛
Now just being utterly bored and not being able to find a single common topic absolutely killed me … but the worst was a thought of someone VERY close to me being so very far from me. My partner I have been together with for the last 2 years could of course relate to his school friends very well while I have been getting occasional looks of acknowledgment me in the room and … that’s it, actually. It has happened before MANY times [within different groups] so you would probably struggle to see what was wrong this time… This time I actually tried to be LIKED and tried to be SAME, NOT different. Who could have known that it actually causes physical pain 😦 I finished the whole bottle of bourbon still trying to be “normal”, “same” & “appropriate” and I think failed because did not get any “thank you Anna” [not sure what are the signs here]. I woke up next day [which was 2 hours from when I went to bed] with a mad alcohol poising, punishing myself for failing in being “normal”. I decided to drink my upset child inside till almost death. Not a very smart move but I was “suffocating” [mentally].
Next day I realised that I cannot be “normal”. YES I hardly get along with people, YES few people even notice it, YES I am bored with most of people I meet, YES they do not know it, YES I like weird stuff, YES others love it too but can’t admit it to others or themselves and when I say it out lour the “normal” people punish me… I gotta accept myself which I decided to go with 🙂 I am always going to be different… just like everyone else!
I believe though I should have discussed my struggle with my partner before posting it online but he left home for couple of weeks [for work] which makes it inconvenient and uncomfortable for me to open up to a leaving person. Oh well.
I keep in reasonable touch with several social groups which rarely interact [and it was a massive fail when I tried to force them to interact]. None of the groups are very close or universally comfortable for me. I absolutely love some small details in almost each of them [at least one thing in the least liked group even] but none of the groups or individuals rock my boat. There are many reasons for it and all of them originated from … my mind of course.
I am a mad control freak therefore not being liked, approved or acknowledged is often the end of the world for me [aka for my inner child]. Rationally, I do talk myself out of doing something stupid… however not always very successfully. It is hard to be an outsider however I do not want to become an insider either; and I love enjoying the world watching it from My Inside World, at the same time getting in contact with like-minded people from time to time but kinda accidentally and pleasurably only. Sounds like world in the bubble, doesn’t it?! Well, here is my current struggle … right on the plate in front of everyone! I know I do not fit in any of my social groups; additionally some of them make me angry and annoyed because I have to communicate with them from time to time [thanks God it is not my work] and I am upset that all I can think of is “la-la-la”. Yep I do not even listen sometimes, juggling my ideas and thoughts in my mind or just going “la-la-la”. I am often upset about it but sometimes angry which also makes me sad. Vicious cycle in my Bubble hey?!
Now, I also must say we CANNOT, just cannot blame others for not getting us or not accepting us. We are not in much power to change what they think of us but we are definitely in power to not give a damn about what they think. I am sure everyone from time to time struggles with fitting in or being accepted and acknowledged here and there. We look at a bold guy with red eyes wearing a tore apart leather jacket thinking “WTF” or two girls kissing or overly fat guy eating his 4th burger… We ALWAYS judge according to what we define “normal” and it is perfectly okay, we do not know different.
However when I am in the same group of people again and again, I expect them [one day] to acknowledge my presence. However you know what, expectations are often the reality fuck ups so lower them down to enjoy better living 🙂 I am different and I am going to stick with it who ever likes it or not. My inner child has spoken!